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Five Things To Say to a Loved One Before Death

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My mother died from ALS ten years ago on June 11, 2008 (which also happens to be my wedding anniversary). Lots has happened in life since then and I sometimes wonder how my mom would respond if she knew all that happened in my life. I can see the shock on her face when she learns I have five kids and got a PhD — a couple of the many things that she probably never expected to occur in my life. I’m guessing she would be surprised in a good way.

ALS is a nasty neurological disease which slowly causes a person to become paralyzed. Death occurs when an individual loses the ability to breath. I wanted to be intentional with the limited amount of time remaining with my mom. I spent two weeks of concentrated time with her, asked her dozens of questions about her faith and life, and then recorded them in a book for the Mulvihill family. The book has been a blessing for my children as a way to learn about their grandmother.

I also wanted to make sure our relationship ended with no regrets and in a great place. My mom and I had a strong relationship, but I had heard stories from numerous friends who had relational regrets with a parent who died and I didn’t want to be one of those individuals. I spent some time developing a list of five things that must be said before my mom died:

  • I love you
  • Please forgive me
  • I forgive you
  • Thank you
  • Goodbye

Just reading the list brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. I had some sweet moments with my mom that strengthened an already strong relationship. Good gave me the opportunity to whisper goodbye in her ear the morning she died. I am grateful that God gave me the time to have these conversations with my mom and write this to encourage you to consider if there is anyone in your life, sick or healthy, that needs to hear one or more of these things from you?

Three Misleading Emotions

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Three misleading emotions commonly keep parents from having courageous conversations with their children. Can you relate to one (or all!) of these?

DISQUALIFIED – “I didn’t wait, so how could I talk with my children about saving sex for marriage?” No one is more qualified than you! You know from personal experience why sex is best saved for marriage and the natural consequences that come from going outside God’s bounds. You have an opportunity to cast a God-glorifying vision for your child’s life while also helping them navigate around the detours and pitfalls that come from pre-marital sex.

The Bible is full of stories about people who sinned and yet went on to represent God and uphold His holy standards (i.e. King David, the apostle Paul, etc). To disqualify yourself from speaking Truth to your children because of your past sin is to give victory to Satan. He will do anything he can to get you to focus on your mistakes, your mess, and your inadequacies rather than watch you lay your sins before the Cross and receive forgiveness that’s yours in Christ Jesus. It sounds trite but it’s true – if you step out in faith, God will take your “mess” and turn it into a message.

DISTRACTED – “With everything else we have going on at home, we don’t know when we’d fit this in. Honestly, we wouldn’t know what to say if we did find the time!” Don’t let busyness rob you of valuable conversations with your kids. Whether it’s at the dinner table or before they head to bed, capitalize on every opportunity you can find. Let go of the pressure and expectation that you should have all the answers. If you don’t have an answer to one of their questions, be honest and tell them you will get back to them. Then make sure you do! If you don’t know where to begin, check out my website www.sexbydesign.com to learn more about my film series Sex by Design: Unpacking the Purpose and Practice of Purity. It was designed to give you a road map for having ongoing conversations with your kids about sexuality. It could very well put to rest the misleading emotion(s) you’ve been feeling and give you the courage to press in. It doesn’t take a PhD to positively influence your children – it just takes the committed and loving presence of parents fully invested in their children’s life!

DISCOURAGED – “When I bring up the topic, my child gives me one word answers and changes the subject.” This is a normal response especially if you’ve just recently broached the topic. Ask God to soften your child’s heart and provide you with opportunities to try again. Consider starting with a different topic (just as valuable but maybe less awkward) like modesty or dating and see where God takes it. Consider going out for coffee, ice cream or dinner for uninterrupted time together.

Reflect and Respond:

  • Do any of these misleading emotions ring true to you personally? If so, share your thoughts with your spouse and ask him/her to help remind you of the Truth when the misleading emotion rears its ugly head again. Commit your misleading emotion(s) to prayer and then be on the watch for how God will transform your heart!
  • Read the article “Teaching Your Kids About Sex When You Have Sexual Sin in Your Past.” (http://www.intoxicatedonlife.com/2013/11/14/sexual-sinners-teaching-sex-ed/) What Truth stuck out to you? Consider writing it on a notecard to be posted on your bathroom mirror, the dashboard of your vehicle or in your personal journal. Review it regularly so it becomes part of your belief system!
  • Commit to praying about how to move forward as you invest in your child’s Biblical understanding of sexuality. Again, check out my website (sexbydesign.com) for practical help.

What’s the Gospel?

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There is no more important message to understand in life than the gospel. Yet, for many Christians there is a fog of confusion that surrounds the gospel. If someone says the gospel is the way of Jesus, the kingdom of God, positive thinking, or compassion toward others would you be able to explain why each of these explanations of the gospel is insufficient? The gospel has been the recipient of massive distortions and over simplifications. In relation to the gospel you should have a four-fold aim: (1) clearly understand it, (2) concisely explain it, (3) culturally connect it, and (4) confidently proclaim it.

Greg Gilbert wrote a helpful book called What is the Gospel where he used four words to summarize the gospel: God, man, Christ, and response. Remembering these four will help us understand, explain, and proclaim the gospel. The gospel is the good news because it addressed the most serious problem that humans have. R.C. Sproul summarizes this problem by saying, “God is holy and He is just, and I’m not.” Here is the gospel in a nutshell.

God is creator and he is holy. He is perfect. He has not sinned. He is just; he will not ignore or excuse the sin of others. The Bible teaches that all humans are accountable to God. He created us; therefore, he can demand we worship him.

Man has rebelled against God. We have placed ourselves on the throne of life. Romans 1:23 says we have exchanged the glory of God for idols. We are glory thieves, yet God will not share his glory with another. We have fallen short of God’s demand for perfection. At the end of your life you will stand before a just and holy God and be judged on the basis of your righteousness. Romans 3:19 says that when we stand before the judge, every mouth will be silenced. No one will offer a defense or any excuses. That is a sobering image. You have rebelled against a holy God that created you. That is the bad news.

The good news of the gospel is that Jesus lived a perfect life of righteousness and offered himself as a perfect sacrifice to satisfy the justice of God. God’s solution to humanity’s sin is the death and resurrection of Jesus. We can be saved from the condemnation our sin deserves through redemption in Jesus (Romans 3:24). The gospel is news, not advice. It is news that something has happened and we must respond to it. All religions are advice.

A response by faith is needed. The great lie of our day is that God forgives everybody; that he is a loving God who sweeps our sins under the carpet and grants forgiveness to those who are good people. The Bible is clear that we are not justified by our works, our efforts, our deeds, but by faith alone. Salvation comes “through faith in Jesus Christ” and it is “for all who believe” (Romans 3:22). How is the good news for you? Believe in Jesus Christ and repent of your sins. When you do that you are declared righteous by God, you are adopted into his family, and forgiven of all your sins. God acted in Jesus to save us and we take hold of that salvation by repentance of sin through faith in Jesus. That’s good news. And that is the gospel.

Family Talk: News and Resources for Family Discipleship

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Family Talk: News and Resources for Family Discipleship

1. How to navigate technology in your home with twelve practical ideas and helpful research. 

“When talking about teens and screens — or “screenagers” — we need to get concrete. So let me offer twelve practical suggestions to stir into the discussions you’re already having in your churches and homes.”

2. A growing number of grandparents are raising their grandchildren, which brings a unique set of challenges. Learn more about these families and ways you can support them.

“More grandparents than ever are being put in a position like Barb and Fran—becoming full-time parents again, often with fewer resources and more health problems than they had the first time around. The arrangement is not new, of course — people raised by grandparents for at least part of their childhood include Maya Angelou, Carol Burnett, and two former presidents, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama—but it’s more common than ever these days.”

3. New research on evolution provides opportunity for parents and grandparents to teach children the trustworthiness of the Bible.

“The study’s most startling result, perhaps, is that nine out of 10 species on Earth today, including humans, came into being 100,000 to 200,000 years ago. ‘This conclusion is very surprising, and I fought against it as hard as I could,’ Thaler told AFP. That reaction is understandable: How does one explain the fact that 90 percent of animal life, genetically speaking, is roughly the same age?”

What is Vaping?

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What is vaping? Vaping is the act of inhaling and exhaling the aerosol, often referred to as vapor, which is produced by an e-cigarette or similar device.

A new wave of smaller vapes has swept through schools in recent months, replacing bulkier e-cigarettes. It’s now common in some schools to find students crowded into bathrooms to vape, or performing vape tricks in class.

  • The devices heat liquid into an inhalable vapor that’s sold in sugary flavors like mango and mint — and often with the addictive drug nicotine.
  • They’re marketed to smokers as a safer alternative to traditional cigarettes, but officials say they’re making their way to teens with surprising ease.
  • Vaping devices are notoriously difficult to detect for schools, often leaving behind only a quick puff of vapor and a light fruity scent.
  • Students get awaywith it in bathrooms, halls and even classrooms, where some say they exhale the vapor into their shirts.
  • Although buyinge-cigarettes is illegal under age 18 — and some states have bumped the minimum age to 21 — students say they can buy them online or from older friends.”
  • Some say there are dozens available for sale in school hallways at any given time.
  • Some schoolshave been inundated by the Juul, which dispenses a flavored vapor containing higher concentrations of nicotine than tobacco cigarettes.

Why it matters: Vaping has become increasingly popular with teenagers. While high schools have typically experienced the most problems, some schools say vaping is spreading to middle schools. Have a discussion with your child about vaping, ask what they have seen, and talk about the addictive and harmful results of vaping.

Family Talk: News and Resources for Family Discipleship.

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Family Talk: News and Resources for Family Discipleship

1. A correct theology of the home does not idolize or marginalize the home, but sees the home as the first and primary place where the battle for hearts and minds of children is won.

“The home front is the forlorn battlefield of the cultural wars. In our strivings to defend the gospel against doctrinal decline in the church and increasing secularism in the culture, we must not forget the importance of cultivating virtue in the home. For the church

2. Pew study reveals significant theological confusion about God and reminds us of the necessity to teach young people the character of God as taught in Scripture.

“When respondents say they don’t believe in God, what are they rejecting? Are they rejecting belief in any higher power or spiritual force in the universe? Or are they rejecting only a traditional Christian idea of God – perhaps recalling images of a bearded man in the sky? Conversely, when respondents say they do believe in God, what do they believe in – God as described in the Bible, or some other spiritual force or supreme being?”

3. Mayor of Hoboken rejects God’s design for gender and orders all bathrooms to become gender neutral. 

“The city of Hoboken, N.J. — just over the bridge from Manhattan’s skyline — now joins a growing list of American cities passing bills making public bathrooms “gender neutral.” Bhalla said his executive order is the “next step,” designed to “further protect the civil rights and dignity of our transgender, gender non-binary, and queer residents and visitors, but this is just the start. I will continue to introduce progressive and inclusive policies to protect all residents.”

 

Parents Matter Most

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The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Parenthood surveyed 1,000 teenagers and asked them what the number one factor was in shaping their decisions on sex. Was it social media? their friends? siblings? sex education? No! The majority of the teens said their parents were the greatest factor. Praise God!

Unfortunately, when the parents of these 1,000 teens were asked how their teens answered this question, fewer than 1 in 4 answered correctly. I think this reveals that many parents are being deceived and discouraged by the enemy and all things media. They are having a hay day getting parents to believe their influence doesn’t have lasting impact and that their voice can’t compete with culture’s.

The truth? Y-O-U matter most! Not the government, not the school, not even the church. You have been called by God and know/love your child better than anyone. Don’t believe the lie that your voice doesn’t make a difference – because in reality, it makes the biggest difference of all!

It will require patience (as you may not see fruit develop immediately), persistence (to not give in or give up but keep pursuing your kid even when they hold you at arm’s length) and prayerfulness (because you cannot transform your kid’s heart – only God Almighty can do that).

The best part is that God is just asking you to be faithful in talking with your children about sexuality. The results? Well, He wants you to leave that to Him! Will you accept His invitation?

Reflect and Respond:

  • On a scale of 1 – 10 (1 = lowest, 10 = highest) how would you rate yourself on the three P words I mentioned above: patience, persistence and prayerfulness? Choose your lowest rated word, and commit to working on that this week.
  • Check out the resource page on my website for quick access to articles, books and downloadables you can use in conversations with your kids.
  • Consider asking other parents to get together monthly with the purpose of encouraging and praying for one another. Where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there! (Matthew 18:20)

Family Talk: News and Resources for Family Discipleship

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For the Family: News and resources for family discipleship

Five articles, videos, and resources to encourage and equip parents and grandparents.

According to new Barna study, conservative Christians credit parents, the Bible, church, and family members (grandparents) as the four most dominant influences in their life.

“The top three personal influences cited by SAGE Cons are the Bible (estimated to have “a lot of influence” on their decisions and perspectives by 98%), religious teaching (92%), and the values taught to them by their parents (77%). A second series of entities were said to have “a lot of influence” by about one-third of the segment. Those influences included family members (listed by 33%)…”

Massachusetts schools adopt new curriculum aimed at normalizing LGBTQ lifestyle.

“Bay State schools will be able to try a new curriculum with LGBTQ-themed history, English and health this fall that proponents say is an effort to help all students see themselves reflected in classrooms.”

“It is really up to classroom teachers to normalize being LGBTQ in the classroom. It is not only talking about it in the curriculum but being careful in the language they use, respecting the pronouns students use or not making heterosexist assumptions. Teachers can do a lot to help normalize LGBTQ.”

Public schools are a mechanism to teach children transgenderism.

“A majority of these teachers also said they have tried to integrate LGBT-related topics into their teaching. Many also mentioned advising LGBT awareness groups for students, training peers or addressing the topic in venues such as school assemblies.”

“And, they told us, they see schools as crucial spaces not only of learning, but of safety, for the next generation.”

The Bible gives us an incredible picture of the glory of old age and the purpose for the last half of life.

“The Bible dignifies four stages of life. It probably has more to the last stage than any other. What the Bible has to say about age is not counter-intuitive, it is extremely, and profoundly counter-cultural.”

Gospel Shaped Family Conference to equip parents, grandparents, and church leaders to shape the next generation for Christ.

The Gospel Shaped Family conference is designed to equip families to raise children and grandchildren with a deep, lasting, culture-transforming faith. God designed families to shape the next generation with the gospel, give them a biblical view of life, and be the primary means to help children and grandchildren mature in Christ.

A Popular Half Truth: More is Caught Than Taught

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A common phrase used to communicate how to pass on faith to future generations is this, “Faith is caught not taught.” It sounds spiritual. Unfortunately, it’s unbiblical. The Bible elevates both as important. Faith is caught, which is why we must be able to say to young people, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1). Faith is also taught. The Bible prioritizes teaching as the primary method of helping future generations know Christ and grow in maturity. Let’s explore a few passages that command parents and grandparents to teach the truth of God’s word to young people.

  • Teach these things to your children and your children’s children (Deut. 4:9).
  • You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk about them when you sit…walk…lie down…when you rise (Deut. 6:7).
  • He commanded our [grand] fathers to teach their children, that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children (Ps. 78:5-6).
  • Hear, my son, your father’s instruction and forsake not your mother’s teaching (Prov. 1:8).
  • Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:4).
  • Older women…are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands…Older men…urge the younger men to be self-controlled (Titus 2:2-6).

Parents and grandparents are to use the Bible to shapes who a child becomes and how the child lives. This is the pattern and command of Scripture. Parents and grandparents in Deuteronomy were commanded to teach the law of God (ten commandments) to children so that future generations develop an understanding of right and wrong. The father and mother in Proverbs provide an example how to train children to develop a biblical view of life as they instruct their son to make wise choices about friendship (1:10), money (3:9), marriage (5:18), and work (6:6), and more. The grandparents of Titus 2 shape future generations by providing character training and guidance how to be a godly mother and wife.

There is no substitute for living in a manner worthy of the gospel, but also let us commit to verbally teaching biblical truths to the next generation so that they may develop a deep, lasting, Scripture-saturated faith. Share on X

There is no substitute for living in a manner worthy of the gospel, but also let us commit to verbally teaching biblical truths to the next generation so that they may develop a deep, lasting, Scripture-saturated faith.

Training Children in the Lord: An Exhortation and Encouragement

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Research reveals that over 90 percent of Christian parents know it’s their responsibility to raise their children to know, love, and serve Jesus. Research also suggests that low numbers of Christian parents regularly read the Bible with their children, discuss matters of faith, or have a plan to raise their children in the Lord. Apparently, not much has changed over the last 300 years.

In 1732, a Puritan pastor named Philip Doddridge preached a series of four sermons on the religious education of children. His purpose was to encourage and exhort parents to take seriously their responsibility to train up their children in the Lord. Doddridge preached the sermon series because he was alarmed at the high number of parents in his congregation who were neglecting to raise their children in the instruction of the Lord.

Doddridge admonished his congregation that they taught their children to read, but not to read the Bible. He boldly proclaimed that parents were willing to care for their own bodies by feeding themselves bread, but not care for the souls of their children by feeding them daily bread from God’s word.

Doddridge asked the parents of his congregation a question that all Christian parents should be asking themselves:

Have you, from the very day of their birth to this time, ever spent one hour seriously instructing them in the knowledge of God and endeavoring to form them to His fear and service in setting before them the misery of their natural condition, and urging them to apply to Christ for life and salvation; in representing the solemnities of death, judgment, and the eternal world, and urging an immediate and diligent preparation for them?

Parents, when have you opened the Bible with your children to study God’s word? When have your prayed for them and with them? If this is not a normal part of your weekly routine may the words of Philip Doddridge remind you how critically important it is for you to train up your children in the Lord.

Your children are born with a corrupted nature, perverted by sin, ignorant of God, in a state of growing enmity to Him, and, in consequence of all, exposed to His wrath and curse, and in the way to everlasting ruin.

May these strong words serve to prevent you from spiritual negligence, exhort you to action, and encourage you toward intentionality.