Questions to Ask Before Marriage

Jen and I met in college in an English class during the first month of our freshman year. The English professor announced that she would be assigning partners to edit the other person’s paper. I remember looking around the class for the prettiest girl, which was Jen, and saying a quick prayer, “Dear Lord, please assign me with her.”

I just about fell over with shock and excitement when our names were read as partners. I proceeded to write one of the most grammatically awful papers ever (Was this a strategy to spend more time together?). Thankfully, it didn’t scare Jen away. We dated for nearly four years and got married a few weeks after college graduation. We went through pre-marital counseling, like many young couples do, to learn the biblical principles of marriage. It was fantastic guidance in the most foundational areas, but 21-year old me felt there were topics and areas missed in the pre-marital material that would be valuable for Jen and I to talk about.

On our own, we went through our own version of the questions you will find in this article. I remember sitting at Caribou Coffee in Roseville, Minnesota and discussing the question, “Will we still love one another if either of us goes bald or gets fat?” At first glance, you may chuckle at a question like that, but fast forward a few decades in life and this can be an issue for some people impacting marital faithfulness. A simple, focused, real-life question like this helped Jen and I to gain clarity about each-others commitment to life-long marriage, views of divorce, what we valued as most important in a relationship, and even expectations about exercise and physical appearance. Multiply this kind of conversation around all kinds of topics and it proved to be extremely valuable for us as a couple.

I wrote a book called Questions to Ask Before Marriage to help couples discern biblical alignment and marital compatibility and you will get a taste in this article. The purpose of this article is to help you, even if it is in a small way, have a God-honoring, Christ-centered, lifelong, and joy-filled marriage! This resource is meant to help dating couples discern God’s path forward as a couple, build trust, engage in good communication, and have fun while doing it! This isn’t a resource about how to prepare for marriage. It’s a resource meant to help couples answer one question, “Is this the person I want to marry?”

Equally yoked

Marriage is a wonderful gift from God. It’s a huge decision that leads to lifelong blessings or challenges. The Bible tells us that we are to marry someone we are equally yoked with, which means that both people trust in Jesus Christ as their Savior and seek to live in obedience to the teachings of the Bible.

The term “equally yoked” is a powerful image of two oxen moving together in the same direction. A yoke is a wooden frame that harnesses two animals together so they can work as a team. The yoke allowed two oxen to pull a plow, cart, or heavy load. The agricultural image presents a biblical principle that applies to marriage. A yoked team of animals operates as one unit, going in the same direction and working to accomplish the same goals. They are one in purpose, one in direction, and one in function and this is to be true of a marriage as well.

A couple needs to be in alignment with their views and values of life to be equally yoked. Imagine a team of two oxen that are unequally yoked. They are pulling against each other, heading in different directions, working toward a different goal, and trying to accomplish a different purpose. A couple can be equally yoked through a strong foundation built on the truth of the Bible and a relationship centered on Jesus Christ.

Strategic conversations about critical areas of life

I’ve been in full time ministry for over twenty-five years and I’ve provided pre-marital counseling for more couples than I can count. One of my goals in pre-marital counseling is to equip a couple with a robust biblical understanding of marriage and sexuality. Couples need to understand God’s purpose for marriage, their biblical role as husband and wife, how to maintain a godly relationship with one another, the biblical view of having and raising children, how to maintain emotional and sexual intimacy, how to navigate sin and forgiveness in marriage, and how their marriage serves God and others.

These topics provide a strong biblical foundation to build a marriage upon, but conflicts and challenges can arise in other areas of a relationship such as parenting styles, emotional health, family health history, navigating extended family relationships, financial habits, how to discipline children, career goals, education plans, sexual expectations, eating habits, lifestyle choices, hobbies, and many other topics that often don’t surface until after a couple says “I do,” live under the same roof, and realize they have a very different approach to certain areas of life, which leads to friction, tension, and problems. Strategic conversations help you share your expectations, dreams, values, and preferences so you avoid potential relationship landmines.

How to use this resource

Jen and I developed a three-step process for our discussions that I recommend you follow: read, discuss, and score. Read the questions 1-3 days before a discussion so that each person has an opportunity to think about their answers. You will increase the depth and quality of conversation when you’ve prepared in advance and avoid “I don’t know” answers.

Discuss the questions. Take as much time as needed. Each person should answer a question thoroughly enough that the other person is satisfied with the answer.

Score the answers to each question. You are seeking alignment in your views and values with one another, centered on Christ. The following scoring system will help you identify when there is agreement, disagreement, or a warning sign. You will see three symbols; a heart which signifies total agreement, a red flag which represents total disagreement, and yellow sign for partial agreement or disagreement. If you are in full agreement, mark the question as a heart. If you cannot get to a place of agreement, mark it as a red flag. If there is a lack of clarity or partial agreement/disagreement, then mark the question as a yellow caution sign. You can expect to have lots of hearts and hopefully very few caution signs or red flags. If you marked something as a yellow sign, come back to it and discuss it until it becomes a heart or red flag.

A red flag is a recognition there is not alignment in an important area of your relationship with one another and it indicates that there could be a serious problem in the future. The best time to recognize there may be a problem is before the wedding, not after you say “I do.” If a red flag exists, then this gives you the opportunity to fully discuss it as a couple. Take a red flag seriously and talk about it. If you consider something to be a red flag, then confront it, and don’t ignore it as “no big deal.” If the red flagged topic is a significant issue to either person and you cannot get to a place of agreement, then this may indicate incompatibility in marriage.

To get started, begin with the first question and work your way down. Go in order and read the question out loud. Each person should answer every question. Mark each question as a heart, red flag, or yellow sign. The questions below are taken from the first section on biblical beliefs from Questions to Ask Before Marriage.

Questions to discuss about biblical beliefs:

1. What is your testimony? How did you come to faith in Christ? How confident are you of your salvation?
2. Would you consider yourself more conservative or liberal in your beliefs? Why?
3. What are your beliefs about Jesus, God, and the Bible?
4. How would you describe your theological views on the following topics: Calvinism vs Arminianism; infant baptism vs believer’s baptism; the charismatic gifts; creation vs evolution; and feminism.
5. To you, what are some important, nonnegotiable, biblical principles or priorities? Why?
6. How do you feel about the church in general? How are you involved and in what ways have you served at your church?
7. What are your views about attending church and expectations about participating in a small group or Bible study? How involved do you want to be in a local church?
8. What type of worship service, denomination, and size of church do you prefer? Why?
9. What are your convictions about abortion, homosexuality, and transgenderism?
10. Describe your devotional and prayer life. What habits do you practice regularly to help you grow as a Christian? How do you feel about us reading the Bible together and how often? Why?
11. What are your passions in life? What do you consider to be your purpose in life?
12. How would you describe your political views?
13. What are your views about heaven and hell, tattoos, gambling, and alcohol?

Happily ever after

Those three words are something we all long for. Ultimately, happiness is found only in Jesus. But your marriage will contribute significantly to making your life enjoyable or miserable. So, choose wisely who you marry. Remember, marriage lasts for a lifetime so make sure that the person you are dating (or your child is dating) is the person you want to wake up with every morning for the rest of your life.

If you are in a serious dating relationship, know anyone who is in a pre-marriage season, or want to plan ahead when that time arrives, then consider purchasing a copy of Questions to Ask Before Marriage. In total, there are 150 questions. The questions are designed around seven categories: biblical beliefs, marriage, family, personal growth, financial, relational, and physical. This is a great resource to utilize in pre-marital counseling alongside a book that teaches the biblical principles of marriage. During each meeting with the pastor, discuss the answers to a section or two. If there are any questions that create a concern or lead to a disagreement, then it’s helpful to have a godly person to provide wisdom.

I want to help you avoid miserable ever after and arrive at happily ever after. Hopefully, this resource has helped you discern God’s path for you as a couple and answer the question, “Is this the person I want to marry?” May the Lord bless you with a vibrant, Christ-centered, lifelong, and joy-filled marriage!